My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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