I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
