new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just google imaged poop.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize