he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
its liver damage thursday
Randomize