The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
