Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
