Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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