There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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