So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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