I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
