did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
