i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she woke up with a sticky ear
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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