If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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