my phone needs a breathalizer
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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