I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
