You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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