I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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