I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
