Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
