I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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