I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This house was built for laser tag.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
