Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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