and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
