I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
