Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
