fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
