Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
