I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
it was like eating out sand paper
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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