Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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