FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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