I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize