when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
