Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
