Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
