so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
