call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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