I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The Olympian is in my bed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
