I just threw up on my dentist
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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