bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
