genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
