when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
