dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
