ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
