So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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