Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
