If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
