Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
