I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
