Will you blow on my dice?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
