On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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