I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
