I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
