Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
