Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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