my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
