Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize