I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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