and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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